Miss Jane Stark has struck again with the destruction of school property. At this school, if you must write, we encourage students to be uncreative. Creativity is dangerous. However it seems Miss Stark has gotten her hands on an illegal book once again titled Uncreative Writing by Kenneth Goldsmith. Now at first I was willing to overlook this, as it first appeared that Mr. Goldsmith might be encouraging the readers to do away with creativity. However, it seems Miss Stark picked up on a concept called “détournement.” She has taken our school rules video and replaced the captions with a manuscript from Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice, and then played the video across all of our school’s television devices. I will be looking further into why such a book titled Uncreative Writing would lead to such destructive behavior.
If you have been keeping up with my school’s news, you know that a group of students found another student Miss Jane Stark in possession of Fahrenheit 451. School authorities are continuing their search through her home to be sure there are no more illegal books. In the meantime, we are placing new posters around the school building as a reminder of books’ uselessness and vulgarity. This poster is just one example of what will be installed. It is a real artifact that was said to have been on the library walls of the University of Mary Washington. Presumably at the time when books were beginning their rightful fall from grace.
Greetings! As most of you may know, as the Headmistress of my school, I informed you all of the horrible Fahrenheit 451 nonsense quote scribbled on the girls’ lavatory wall. A special squad of top students was put together to help find the criminal who defiled the wall and is likely in possession of a banned book. The squad was successful in discovering a Miss Jane Stark in possession of the book. She was found reading it. The book has been confiscated and as punishment, Miss Stark must perform a public book burning of Fahrenheit 451.
Our reasoning for this punishment is to force Miss Stark to not only witness the destruction, but to physically and emotionally feel its effects. The act of book burning is a sort of cleansing if you will. If the book continued to exist, even unopened, unused and unread in a museum, its physical presence would be a continued reminder of the ideas it holds inside.
A further investigation of Miss Jane Stark and what other books she may possess is under way. If you have any information on Miss Stark, contact my office immediately.
It has come to my attention that today in the women’s lavatory someone has vandalized the walls. This type of radical behavior is absolutely unacceptable and will not be tolerated. To make matters worse, it appears that this delinquent carried out their vandalization by quoting a BOOK which everyone knows are BANNED. Our school guards have identified the quote as being from Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. The vulgar quote is as follows
[VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED, CHILDREN ARE PROHIBITED FROM READING THE FOLLOWING]:
“Everyone must leave something behind when he dies.”
If you have any information about this vandal or illegal books, contact my office immediately.
All right, listen up! I am Ms. Ana Thema, the respected headmistress for a prestigious private school. My husband, one of the government officials responsible for the implementation of the Banned Books Law (all books of any kind are illegal, ESPECIALLY for children) is quite right to despise the useless scraps we call “books.” The children of my school receive the highest quality education without any use of those morally corrupting books. With school back in session, I hope that no children are foolish enough to defy me or this law. If they do, the punishment will be severe.